Ryan, I love your idea for your storybook about the avengers and using Rama, Bhima, and Hanuman. That’s such an interesting and awesome idea! I love the Avengers movies. I believe that it shows a very strong sense of intelligence that you recognize the parallels between the Indian Epics and the Avengers. For some feedback, I’d suggest playing around with your storybook and theme. Since it’s the “Avengers”, I wonder if you could make the book look like a comic book? I know that the Avengers’ color scheme is based off America’s colors and patriotism for that, so I wonder if you could really play on that with India’s colors? I did some research for you in that regard, and here’s what I found: “The National Flag of India is a horizontal rectangular tricolour of India saffron, white and India green; with the Ashoka Chakra, a 24-spoke wheel, in navy blue at its centre.”
Overall, I think it’s a really great idea and your design already is pretty cool! I’m looking forward to reading more!
Ryan, I think making the parallel between the epic heroes of India and the Avengers is a brilliant idea! I also liked the fact that you gave each hero a special power, just as each hero in the Avengers has their own unique set of skills. The similarities that each Indian hero has to one of the characters in Avengers is also a really good idea and good start for the basis. As for feedback, I would suggest that maybe switching it up from the original plot? I know there is a lot you can do with that. Maybe have it to where each character has some conflict with each other, but in order to save their fellow hero mate, they have to put it aside? However, I am sure whatever you decided to do will turn out great! I like the design of your story book, it is easy to navigate and right away I am able to understand what it is about.
Being an action and adventure film fan, especially Marvel and DC comic films, the title of your storybook immediately grabbed my attention. I think your title will have the same effect on others who are fond of superheroes. I love the Avengers, so I was curious to see the stance that you would take on representing each Avenger with a Ramayana or Mahabharata character. The characters that you chose were a great fit for the actual Avenger characters; however, I would re-read the introduction and explain which characters Rama and Hanuman are in relation to the film/comic characters. The only character you gave a name to was Bhima, who would be "strong like the hulk." I'm looking forward to reading you first story. It looks as though you will be setting a modernized tone while having the characters stationed in different locations. Will the last story connect all of the heroes?
Ryan, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for your constructive feedback on my introduction post to my storybook this past week. I really appreciate your notes on what you think would be interesting to see. I am new to the whole google sites thing so I'm learning how to format things, so in the future I would definitely like the pictures to sit closer to the actual parts of the story that they relate to. Again thank you for taking the time to read over my story and provide me with feedback, I really appreciate it.
Ryan this is such a great idea! Who doesn't love superheroes? You can get super imaginative and creative with this topic. I wish I would have thought of this sooner! Your action scenes are great too; the mix of description and narrative is spot on. My favorite part was “Rama dashed towards Bhima with astounding speed and threw a mighty punch at Bhima’s chest. Bhima barely flinched and smiled”. This instantly put a vivid image in my head similar to a comic book. Hanuman was my favorite character from the readings so it was really cool to see him used as the flash in your story. Are you planning on using Ravana as the villain for the whole story? I think it would be really cool to create side villains similar to the ones found in the reading. I have no doubt after reading your introduction that this portfolio will turn out great, good luck!
Ryan, WOW! This was so fun to read! First, off the image you used is awesome, and I love it as the banner! Something about it just gives me action packed vibes. It would be cool to recreate the image with the actual characters you are using. I am not an artist so that would be impossible, but it was just a cool thought. I love the direction you are taking this it was cool to see the parallels of original books with your stories! I also loved the entire time I could pick the characters I thought each of your characters were inspired by. I thought of The Avengers: Civil War scene as you described the battles. I wonder if you will write Sita as a superhero as well. Maybe, in the end, she won't need saving, and she will become 'BAD A' all on her own and make a master plan in which she escapes and ends up saving the avengers instead of them saving her. Awesome work, keep it up!!
Ryan, I was immediately drawn to your storybook website because you picked an awesome first image! The colors are amazing and really sparked my interest in reading your introduction post. Your post is very descriptive and provides the reader with some good images to put some faces to names throughout the story. I love that you used some present day places such as Dubai. I lived in Dubai for 3 years and I always am interested when people use it as a setting in a story. I am excited to see where you take your stories further this semester, your storybook idea is so creative!
Ryan, I enjoyed your intro and I like how you are taking an Avengers theme to your story! My name is John Bates, by the way, and I'm from the Mythology and Folklore class. I saw your story and it immediately caught my attention because I've always been a fan of the Marvel universe. I'm actually watching Avengers: Civil War as I am making this comment haha. As I was reading your intro, I wondered how your going to have your heroes interact with each other. What I mean by this is how are you going to have your heroes do attack combinations. I saw the similarities between your Indian heroes and the Avengers. For one example, that of Thor and Rama. That was pretty freaking awesome! Haha Lastly, I was wondering what if you had multiple enemies as well? I haven't read the Ramayana, so I don't know if there are multiple enemies that you could incorporate into your story, but it would be cool. Additionally, just like in Civil War, you could have your Indian heroes fight amongst themselves. I know that you already had them fight each other in your intro, but what I'm talking about is having them fight each other because of some philosophical difference. Anyway, great story!
Hi Ryan! First off, I love the idea for your storybook! The idea that Rama, Bhima, and Hanuman are the new version of the Avengers is great! I do have one question, are you planning to relate these characters to the original Avengers? (like Rama could be Captain America etc) I just ask because you used the picture of the original Avengers! Overall, I think you had a great introduction. I liked how you provided enough backstory for the characters, so that the reader wasn't confused! One thing that might be interesting for your story is making the dialogue its own sentence. It might make it stand out more and help with the flow of the story! I also really like how you had the men fight each other in a friendly battle. It established them as warriors and heroes! I am really excited to see where you go from here! Awesome job!
Hey Ryan, the title of your storybook stuck out and I immediately wanted to check it out! It is really cool that you can portray your own version of the avengers in this way. I am not someone who is interested in hero stuff typically, but an idea like this could be something that gets me there because it incorporates something that I know about! The introduction was really good, as learning about the characters is very important and you nailed it. I look forward to seeing how the different heroes are going to utilize their abilities for the betterment of those involved. I look forward to the flow of the story and how everything gets going!
Hey Ryan, Thank you for the feedback on my first story. I agree that dialogue is needed. It is not a writing style I am experienced in using so I am exploring another source to get a better feel for it. I have had others ask for more information about why Nala and Damayanti loved each other so much, and I found a little bit more in my new source. Any time after this week you can read the story again to get a better feel for why their love exists.
I really enjoyed your new addition to your storybook! It’s cool how each of your stories feature a new hero! It really adds that dual perspective you get when you watch the original Avengers. One thing that I think could add more to your story is if you add more dialogue! I would love to see what Bhima and Hidimba’s sister were talking about or you could show the different ways Bhima might have taunted Baka. I am really excited to see how you are going to bring your Avengers together or even if you are going to bring your characters together. Overall, I think you did a really great job! If you add in a little dialogue I think it will make your story that much stronger! Good Job.
First of all, I absolutely love that you are creating an Indian Avengers storybook! I loved reading your intro and I think it did a really good job at setting up the stage for the storybook. I think one of my favorite parts was the fact that it's set in Dubai and you incorporated details of the city and its atmosphere in the story. I also enjoyed how the story hinted at being set in more modern times but you didn't over-emphasize it. I would love to see why the story is set in Dubai as it seems to be a central theme to the plot. I appreciated all the imagery that you provided in the story: "mushroom cloud of sand," "Rama took advantage of his foe's temporary blindness and uppercut Bhima with his full strength." It really provided a great visual to the story and how everything unfolded. I'm excited to continue reading your stories and I think you did a great job!
I really like your idea of using the Avengers for your storybook. The Avengers are something that everyone is familiar with so it is easy to understand the situations and characters that will be involved. Just from a visual standpoint, I think that there could be more. It is a little plain right now. Adding a header behind Introduction will add more to the Storybook! I liked your introduction. You provided a lot of information and we (the reader) are able to tell where it will go in the future. I like what you did with the Bhima story. I was not familiar with the original story so your Author’s Note really helped. After reading it, I was able to see the changes that you made and I liked them! Throughout the first story I was unsure as to which Avenger you were comparing him to. All Avengers are strong, but obviously the Hulk is the strongest. It would be nice to have a few more comparisons between the two. Great job!
Hi Ryan. I love your idea to relate Indian Epics to the Avengers. With all this new superhero 'era' going on, it definitely caught my attention. I would like to note that on your Intro page, the image is not showing up. The link works, but the image just shows a blue square in the middle. As for the whole "look" you have for your storybook, I really like it because it looks clean, simple, and easy to read--as if I'm just reading off of my Kindle or book. Your action scenes are really descriptive, which makes the story more exciting to read too! I read your author's note and you said that you wanted to show Bhima's love and devotion to his family. The first story really does showcase how much he cares for his family so you succeeded in that. I can't wait to see you develop your storybook even further and see what happens when he helps Rama save Sita. I think it'd be cool if you could make clearer parallels between which Avenger your main characters coincide with.
Hi, Ryan! I love this storybook idea combination of Ramayana and Avengers. I think it’s so clever, and it was definitely well-executed. Everything was written beautifully, and your writing style for your introduction and first chapter kept me engaged into the story the entire time. You definitely know how to capture the audience and write descriptions that would benefit the audience’s understanding (especially with fight scenes). The only thing I was wondering was why Chapter 1: The Strongest Hero started off with a mysterious first-person perspective. “Before the heroes rescue Sita, I need to explain the events that lead Bhima to Dubai.” It threw me off for a second because I though the story was going to be in the point of view of Rama or even Hanuman. However, the rest of the story continued in a third-person perspective. If you’re planning to keep the third-person narrative, this is a simple fix. You could probably say something along the lines of “Before the Bhima and Rama’s fight” or you could do something creative! Besides this, I had no real issues with your storybook. Great job, and I can’t wait to read Chapter 2!
I really do love the theme of your storybook. It is one of my favorites to keep up with! I love the part where Bhima simply destroys everyone. There is no real effort on his part. He never seems worried or burdened. What is the narrator was another Indian epics character like Visnu or someone else that was reincarnated like twenty times? I did notice some issues with a lack of commas. I know being comma happy is not good, but some of your sentences read without any pauses, and so some of the ideas got lost in the wordy sentences, and I had to re-read parts. I bet if you read through out loud, you would notice the places that could benefit from some natural pauses by commas. Overall, this was so good, I like the way you are back tracking in the second story to explain more of the first story. Keep up the good work! I am excited to read your next story!
As soon as I saw the title of your storybook, I knew I had to read it—and the Avengers art on the intro page told me I’d made the right decision. This is great.
Since there is some crossover between the Ramayana and the Mahabharata, and since both Rama and the Pandavas are built up into these larger-than-life heroes, I’ve wondered a few times what would happen if they actually met and interacted. I also often felt like Bhima didn’t get enough credit in the Mahabharata, so it was great to see him get more of the spotlight here. The way the heroes ended up meeting was great, too—a friendly battle of powers totally feels like something the X-Men or minor Justice League members would do for fun to kill time. I’m also a big fan of Ravana’s change to a gang leader in the slums of Dubai; it tracks so well with your superhero feel here, and he totally works as a power-hungry crime lord.
As for constructive criticism, this is obviously only a suggestion, but you might rethink the way you work in the story about Bhima fighting Hidimba and Baka. Your writing style flows really well, and the story itself is engaging enough, but a flashback episode like that following right after the dramatic cliffhanger of the previous episode kind of kills the dramatic tension you’ve built up. If you found some sort of framing device to tie that in with this backstory (even just Bhima explaining it as they travel or gather weapons or prepare to go after Ravana), or a plot point that makes this relevant to getting Sita back (maybe there’s even a connection between Baka the gang leader and Ravana the gang leader—they could have been allies or rivals, and Bhima could take advantage of the power he now wields there to get information or something), then you could keep this backstory without dropping the main storyline.
But again, that’s just a thought, and I definitely enjoyed this; I look forward to seeing the team embrace their inner Avengers and come together. Awesome job!
Hey Ryan! I commented on your storybook back in February, and I was so excited to check out your progress this far since then! Your stories are so entertaining, and you’ve done a really great job of including dialogue and other visual details that really help the story and flow, and personally, I think it’s really easy to imagine as if it were a movie playing in my head! The Avengers was really such a good theme, and honestly it kind of upset me that I didn’t think of it myself first! My only constructive criticism or feedback would be to check over some grammar issues. There are some areas where it feels like a run-on sentence because of a lack of commas or pauses. Other than that, it’s really well done and extremely creative! I can't wait to see what you do in the end with this!
Ryan, I really enjoyed reading your story. I love the details that you used to create an epic story. I loved getting to read about your characters and putting them in the shoes of what would be the Indian Epic Avengers. I think that doing this made the story really good and helped me to pay attention and follow along very well. I really enjoyed how you created a scene of the jail that they were going into in order to find out more about Ravana. I thought this really created the scene and helped to make the story better. One part where I think the descriptions you were using could have been stronger is when you said, "Being super strong and fast he was able to over power the guards and escape." I thought that this part could have used more description because it seemed like you were just trying to get it over with a bit. But other than that I really enjoyed your story. Great job!
Writing this story in the style of a Marvel comic is a really cool idea. I hadn’t considered adapting the characters from these stories to that kind of environment. I also like the way you brought in characters from a couple different epics in order to give the story some unique characteristics and plot elements compared to the original stories from which the characters are drawn. One suggestion that I would make that I think you could use to make your writing even more engaging would be to sometimes try showing the reader what you want them to know rather than just informing them what happened. This allows the reader to construct a more vivid image of what is happening in the story around them. For example, you can say that “Bob threw the rock,” and people will know what Bob did, but if you say that “Bob wrenched his arm forward and released, and the others saw a small gray pebble sailing towards Mike.” then people will be able to visualize exactly what’s happening. The phrasing is also more engaging because it encourages people to create their own details for the story. In any case, I very much enjoyed the story. Thank you!
Hey Ryan! Once again, great job with your story. I like how the story of "The Strongest Hero" begins with an explanation of how Bhima ended up in Dubai. It definitely helps to tie some strings together from the introduction. You do a great job of describing the setting and the scenery so that the reader can really get an idea of what is taking place. I also appreciate the use of dialogue because it makes the story a lot more engaging--which you already do a great job of. I think this story does a good job of showing not only the power of Bhima's strength but how he's ready to go to any length to protect the ones that he loves the most. The author's note brings everything together and I'm glad that you used it as a place to describe what is about to come in the next story.
Hi Ryan! I really enjoyed your newest addition to the storybook. The imagination and creativity you put into the characters and dialogue was very evident. The descriptive details of each character and how they behave really helped pull the reader into the story. This also helped connect some of the characters to the reader for a much deeper read. For example, sections like this "Bhima began to pull on the vault door’s handle and they could see his veins bulging out of his arms while he was struggling. The metal handle began to bend and then with all his might he pulled and the handle snapped. This infuriated Bhima and as he grew angrier he grew stronger. Rama and Hanuman watched as Bhima’s body started to change and they witnessed him transform into a massive blue man. “BHIMA SMASH DOOR NOW,” roared Bhima. He began punching the door as hard as he could and each blow put a larger and larger dent into the door." Really help show how the character, Bhima, behaves. This also helps relate it back to the inspiration of the story. Overall I thought this turned out great, good job!
ReplyDeleteRyan, I love your idea for your storybook about the avengers and using Rama, Bhima, and Hanuman. That’s such an interesting and awesome idea! I love the Avengers movies. I believe that it shows a very strong sense of intelligence that you recognize the parallels between the Indian Epics and the Avengers. For some feedback, I’d suggest playing around with your storybook and theme. Since it’s the “Avengers”, I wonder if you could make the book look like a comic book? I know that the Avengers’ color scheme is based off America’s colors and patriotism for that, so I wonder if you could really play on that with India’s colors? I did some research for you in that regard, and here’s what I found: “The National Flag of India is a horizontal rectangular tricolour of India saffron, white and India green; with the Ashoka Chakra, a 24-spoke wheel, in navy blue at its centre.”
Overall, I think it’s a really great idea and your design already is pretty cool! I’m looking forward to reading more!
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI think making the parallel between the epic heroes of India and the Avengers is a brilliant idea! I also liked the fact that you gave each hero a special power, just as each hero in the Avengers has their own unique set of skills. The similarities that each Indian hero has to one of the characters in Avengers is also a really good idea and good start for the basis. As for feedback, I would suggest that maybe switching it up from the original plot? I know there is a lot you can do with that. Maybe have it to where each character has some conflict with each other, but in order to save their fellow hero mate, they have to put it aside? However, I am sure whatever you decided to do will turn out great! I like the design of your story book, it is easy to navigate and right away I am able to understand what it is about.
I look forward to reading your story!
Being an action and adventure film fan, especially Marvel and DC comic films, the title of your storybook immediately grabbed my attention. I think your title will have the same effect on others who are fond of superheroes. I love the Avengers, so I was curious to see the stance that you would take on representing each Avenger with a Ramayana or Mahabharata character. The characters that you chose were a great fit for the actual Avenger characters; however, I would re-read the introduction and explain which characters Rama and Hanuman are in relation to the film/comic characters. The only character you gave a name to was Bhima, who would be "strong like the hulk." I'm looking forward to reading you first story. It looks as though you will be setting a modernized tone while having the characters stationed in different locations. Will the last story connect all of the heroes?
ReplyDeleteRyan, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for your constructive feedback on my introduction post to my storybook this past week. I really appreciate your notes on what you think would be interesting to see. I am new to the whole google sites thing so I'm learning how to format things, so in the future I would definitely like the pictures to sit closer to the actual parts of the story that they relate to. Again thank you for taking the time to read over my story and provide me with feedback, I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteRyan this is such a great idea! Who doesn't love superheroes? You can get super imaginative and creative with this topic. I wish I would have thought of this sooner! Your action scenes are great too; the mix of description and narrative is spot on. My favorite part was “Rama dashed towards Bhima with astounding speed and threw a mighty punch at Bhima’s chest. Bhima barely flinched and smiled”. This instantly put a vivid image in my head similar to a comic book. Hanuman was my favorite character from the readings so it was really cool to see him used as the flash in your story. Are you planning on using Ravana as the villain for the whole story? I think it would be really cool to create side villains similar to the ones found in the reading. I have no doubt after reading your introduction that this portfolio will turn out great, good luck!
ReplyDeleteRyan, WOW! This was so fun to read! First, off the image you used is awesome, and I love it as the banner! Something about it just gives me action packed vibes. It would be cool to recreate the image with the actual characters you are using. I am not an artist so that would be impossible, but it was just a cool thought. I love the direction you are taking this it was cool to see the parallels of original books with your stories! I also loved the entire time I could pick the characters I thought each of your characters were inspired by. I thought of The Avengers: Civil War scene as you described the battles. I wonder if you will write Sita as a superhero as well. Maybe, in the end, she won't need saving, and she will become 'BAD A' all on her own and make a master plan in which she escapes and ends up saving the avengers instead of them saving her. Awesome work, keep it up!!
ReplyDeleteRyan, I was immediately drawn to your storybook website because you picked an awesome first image! The colors are amazing and really sparked my interest in reading your introduction post. Your post is very descriptive and provides the reader with some good images to put some faces to names throughout the story. I love that you used some present day places such as Dubai. I lived in Dubai for 3 years and I always am interested when people use it as a setting in a story. I am excited to see where you take your stories further this semester, your storybook idea is so creative!
ReplyDeleteRyan, I enjoyed your intro and I like how you are taking an Avengers theme to your story! My name is John Bates, by the way, and I'm from the Mythology and Folklore class. I saw your story and it immediately caught my attention because I've always been a fan of the Marvel universe. I'm actually watching Avengers: Civil War as I am making this comment haha.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your intro, I wondered how your going to have your heroes interact with each other. What I mean by this is how are you going to have your heroes do attack combinations. I saw the similarities between your Indian heroes and the Avengers. For one example, that of Thor and Rama. That was pretty freaking awesome! Haha
Lastly, I was wondering what if you had multiple enemies as well? I haven't read the Ramayana, so I don't know if there are multiple enemies that you could incorporate into your story, but it would be cool. Additionally, just like in Civil War, you could have your Indian heroes fight amongst themselves. I know that you already had them fight each other in your intro, but what I'm talking about is having them fight each other because of some philosophical difference. Anyway, great story!
Hi Ryan! First off, I love the idea for your storybook! The idea that Rama, Bhima, and Hanuman are the new version of the Avengers is great! I do have one question, are you planning to relate these characters to the original Avengers? (like Rama could be Captain America etc) I just ask because you used the picture of the original Avengers! Overall, I think you had a great introduction. I liked how you provided enough backstory for the characters, so that the reader wasn't confused! One thing that might be interesting for your story is making the dialogue its own sentence. It might make it stand out more and help with the flow of the story! I also really like how you had the men fight each other in a friendly battle. It established them as warriors and heroes! I am really excited to see where you go from here! Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteHey Ryan, the title of your storybook stuck out and I immediately wanted to check it out! It is really cool that you can portray your own version of the avengers in this way. I am not someone who is interested in hero stuff typically, but an idea like this could be something that gets me there because it incorporates something that I know about! The introduction was really good, as learning about the characters is very important and you nailed it. I look forward to seeing how the different heroes are going to utilize their abilities for the betterment of those involved. I look forward to the flow of the story and how everything gets going!
ReplyDeleteHey Ryan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback on my first story. I agree that dialogue is needed. It is not a writing style I am experienced in using so I am exploring another source to get a better feel for it. I have had others ask for more information about why Nala and Damayanti loved each other so much, and I found a little bit more in my new source. Any time after this week you can read the story again to get a better feel for why their love exists.
Hey Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your new addition to your storybook! It’s cool how each of your stories feature a new hero! It really adds that dual perspective you get when you watch the original Avengers. One thing that I think could add more to your story is if you add more dialogue! I would love to see what Bhima and Hidimba’s sister were talking about or you could show the different ways Bhima might have taunted Baka. I am really excited to see how you are going to bring your Avengers together or even if you are going to bring your characters together. Overall, I think you did a really great job! If you add in a little dialogue I think it will make your story that much stronger! Good Job.
Hey Ryan!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I absolutely love that you are creating an Indian Avengers storybook! I loved reading your intro and I think it did a really good job at setting up the stage for the storybook. I think one of my favorite parts was the fact that it's set in Dubai and you incorporated details of the city and its atmosphere in the story. I also enjoyed how the story hinted at being set in more modern times but you didn't over-emphasize it. I would love to see why the story is set in Dubai as it seems to be a central theme to the plot. I appreciated all the imagery that you provided in the story: "mushroom cloud of sand," "Rama took advantage of his foe's temporary blindness and uppercut Bhima with his full strength." It really provided a great visual to the story and how everything unfolded. I'm excited to continue reading your stories and I think you did a great job!
I really like your idea of using the Avengers for your storybook. The Avengers are something that everyone is familiar with so it is easy to understand the situations and characters that will be involved. Just from a visual standpoint, I think that there could be more. It is a little plain right now. Adding a header behind Introduction will add more to the Storybook! I liked your introduction. You provided a lot of information and we (the reader) are able to tell where it will go in the future.
ReplyDeleteI like what you did with the Bhima story. I was not familiar with the original story so your Author’s Note really helped. After reading it, I was able to see the changes that you made and I liked them! Throughout the first story I was unsure as to which Avenger you were comparing him to. All Avengers are strong, but obviously the Hulk is the strongest. It would be nice to have a few more comparisons between the two.
Great job!
Hi Ryan.
ReplyDeleteI love your idea to relate Indian Epics to the Avengers. With all this new superhero 'era' going on, it definitely caught my attention. I would like to note that on your Intro page, the image is not showing up. The link works, but the image just shows a blue square in the middle. As for the whole "look" you have for your storybook, I really like it because it looks clean, simple, and easy to read--as if I'm just reading off of my Kindle or book. Your action scenes are really descriptive, which makes the story more exciting to read too! I read your author's note and you said that you wanted to show Bhima's love and devotion to his family. The first story really does showcase how much he cares for his family so you succeeded in that. I can't wait to see you develop your storybook even further and see what happens when he helps Rama save Sita. I think it'd be cool if you could make clearer parallels between which Avenger your main characters coincide with.
Hi, Ryan! I love this storybook idea combination of Ramayana and Avengers. I think it’s so clever, and it was definitely well-executed. Everything was written beautifully, and your writing style for your introduction and first chapter kept me engaged into the story the entire time. You definitely know how to capture the audience and write descriptions that would benefit the audience’s understanding (especially with fight scenes). The only thing I was wondering was why Chapter 1: The Strongest Hero started off with a mysterious first-person perspective. “Before the heroes rescue Sita, I need to explain the events that lead Bhima to Dubai.” It threw me off for a second because I though the story was going to be in the point of view of Rama or even Hanuman. However, the rest of the story continued in a third-person perspective. If you’re planning to keep the third-person narrative, this is a simple fix. You could probably say something along the lines of “Before the Bhima and Rama’s fight” or you could do something creative! Besides this, I had no real issues with your storybook. Great job, and I can’t wait to read Chapter 2!
ReplyDeleteI really do love the theme of your storybook. It is one of my favorites to keep up with! I love the part where Bhima simply destroys everyone. There is no real effort on his part. He never seems worried or burdened. What is the narrator was another Indian epics character like Visnu or someone else that was reincarnated like twenty times? I did notice some issues with a lack of commas. I know being comma happy is not good, but some of your sentences read without any pauses, and so some of the ideas got lost in the wordy sentences, and I had to re-read parts. I bet if you read through out loud, you would notice the places that could benefit from some natural pauses by commas. Overall, this was so good, I like the way you are back tracking in the second story to explain more of the first story. Keep up the good work! I am excited to read your next story!
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I saw the title of your storybook, I knew I had to read it—and the Avengers art on the intro page told me I’d made the right decision. This is great.
ReplyDeleteSince there is some crossover between the Ramayana and the Mahabharata, and since both Rama and the Pandavas are built up into these larger-than-life heroes, I’ve wondered a few times what would happen if they actually met and interacted. I also often felt like Bhima didn’t get enough credit in the Mahabharata, so it was great to see him get more of the spotlight here. The way the heroes ended up meeting was great, too—a friendly battle of powers totally feels like something the X-Men or minor Justice League members would do for fun to kill time. I’m also a big fan of Ravana’s change to a gang leader in the slums of Dubai; it tracks so well with your superhero feel here, and he totally works as a power-hungry crime lord.
As for constructive criticism, this is obviously only a suggestion, but you might rethink the way you work in the story about Bhima fighting Hidimba and Baka. Your writing style flows really well, and the story itself is engaging enough, but a flashback episode like that following right after the dramatic cliffhanger of the previous episode kind of kills the dramatic tension you’ve built up. If you found some sort of framing device to tie that in with this backstory (even just Bhima explaining it as they travel or gather weapons or prepare to go after Ravana), or a plot point that makes this relevant to getting Sita back (maybe there’s even a connection between Baka the gang leader and Ravana the gang leader—they could have been allies or rivals, and Bhima could take advantage of the power he now wields there to get information or something), then you could keep this backstory without dropping the main storyline.
But again, that’s just a thought, and I definitely enjoyed this; I look forward to seeing the team embrace their inner Avengers and come together. Awesome job!
Hey Ryan! I commented on your storybook back in February, and I was so excited to check out your progress this far since then! Your stories are so entertaining, and you’ve done a really great job of including dialogue and other visual details that really help the story and flow, and personally, I think it’s really easy to imagine as if it were a movie playing in my head! The Avengers was really such a good theme, and honestly it kind of upset me that I didn’t think of it myself first! My only constructive criticism or feedback would be to check over some grammar issues. There are some areas where it feels like a run-on sentence because of a lack of commas or pauses. Other than that, it’s really well done and extremely creative! I can't wait to see what you do in the end with this!
ReplyDeleteRyan, I really enjoyed reading your story. I love the details that you used to create an epic story. I loved getting to read about your characters and putting them in the shoes of what would be the Indian Epic Avengers. I think that doing this made the story really good and helped me to pay attention and follow along very well. I really enjoyed how you created a scene of the jail that they were going into in order to find out more about Ravana. I thought this really created the scene and helped to make the story better. One part where I think the descriptions you were using could have been stronger is when you said, "Being super strong and fast he was able to over power the guards and escape." I thought that this part could have used more description because it seemed like you were just trying to get it over with a bit. But other than that I really enjoyed your story. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWriting this story in the style of a Marvel comic is a really cool idea. I hadn’t considered adapting the characters from these stories to that kind of environment. I also like the way you brought in characters from a couple different epics in order to give the story some unique characteristics and plot elements compared to the original stories from which the characters are drawn. One suggestion that I would make that I think you could use to make your writing even more engaging would be to sometimes try showing the reader what you want them to know rather than just informing them what happened. This allows the reader to construct a more vivid image of what is happening in the story around them. For example, you can say that “Bob threw the rock,” and people will know what Bob did, but if you say that “Bob wrenched his arm forward and released, and the others saw a small gray pebble sailing towards Mike.” then people will be able to visualize exactly what’s happening. The phrasing is also more engaging because it encourages people to create their own details for the story. In any case, I very much enjoyed the story. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHey Ryan! Once again, great job with your story. I like how the story of "The Strongest Hero" begins with an explanation of how Bhima ended up in Dubai. It definitely helps to tie some strings together from the introduction. You do a great job of describing the setting and the scenery so that the reader can really get an idea of what is taking place. I also appreciate the use of dialogue because it makes the story a lot more engaging--which you already do a great job of. I think this story does a good job of showing not only the power of Bhima's strength but how he's ready to go to any length to protect the ones that he loves the most. The author's note brings everything together and I'm glad that you used it as a place to describe what is about to come in the next story.
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan! I really enjoyed your newest addition to the storybook. The imagination and creativity you put into the characters and dialogue was very evident. The descriptive details of each character and how they behave really helped pull the reader into the story. This also helped connect some of the characters to the reader for a much deeper read. For example, sections like this "Bhima began to pull on the vault door’s handle and they could see his veins bulging out of his arms while he was struggling. The metal handle began to bend and then with all his might he pulled and the handle snapped. This infuriated Bhima and as he grew angrier he grew stronger. Rama and Hanuman watched as Bhima’s body started to change and they witnessed him transform into a massive blue man. “BHIMA SMASH DOOR NOW,” roared Bhima. He began punching the door as hard as he could and each blow put a larger and larger dent into the door." Really help show how the character, Bhima, behaves. This also helps relate it back to the inspiration of the story. Overall I thought this turned out great, good job!
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